Conversion
by Alixtii
Summary: Is Book in exile, or precisely where he needs to be?


**Title:** Conversion  
**Characters:** Book, Kaylee  
**Word Count:** 685  
**Spoilers:** None.  
**Summary:** Is Book in exile, or maybe precisely where he is supposed to be? Contemplation and a conversation.  
**Author's Notes:** Based on **karabair**'s prompt when I asked for Christian scripture verses. Book of Mormon, Alma 36:15 and 36:21.

_Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds._ Alma 36:15

_Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy._ Alma 36:21

**Conversion**

There is no place for Book that can ever be home. Like Cain himself, he is driven from the face of the earth, a fugitive and a vagabond. The abbey on Persephone allowed him to find peace for some time, gave him a moment of tranquility, but he knew that that life was not for him.

He hopes here, on _Serenity_, constantly in motion, he will be able to at last stop running from a past which silently threatens. Here the chaos he feels in his soul is perfectly paralleled by the lives they lead, racing from planet to planet, moon to moon, hiding from the agents of Blue Sun and the Alliance—not yet an Operative, thank God, but if the child is as valuable as Book suspects (_Pandora_, he heard whispered, in a life that is no longer), then one will be on its way—scraping out an existence among the stars, living a life that is rarely legal and never easy.

There is the child, immaculate, her very reason stolen from her, and her brother. There is the Companion—and Book cannot but agree that, yes, the tax collectors and prostitutes will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven before him. There's Jayne, who helps Book exercise every other morning, providing both fellowships and fitness. Mal and Zoë, still plagued by a war they refight every night in their dreams—Book can see it in their eyes; he knows it well. Wash, who loves his wife, loves the ship, loves the crew.

And there is Kaylee—"Penny for your thoughts, Shepherd?" she asks as she enters the kitchen, a smile as always lighting up her face.

"Oh, they aren't worth nearly so much," Book answers deftly, evasively, ever so skilled in equivocation. But Kaylee won't give up so easily, and once she's filled her mug she sits down across from him, expectantly.

"Let me be the judge of that," she offers.

"I was thinking of an old friend." The lie comes to his lips deftly, without thought, although it pains him to have to give it to Kaylee.

"Was she pretty?"

Book smiles, and follows Kaylee's lead. Never deny, they taught him. "Very."

"What happened to her?"

Book considers briefly making up some sensationalist past for this imaginary friend, then decides against. "I don't know," he says. "Married, I suppose. Made a life for herself. Last I heard, she had moved out to Regina."

Kaylee nodded. "The 'verse is a big place. It's easy to fall out of touch."

Book says nothing, loathe to lie to Kaylee any further. After a moment, she speaks up. "Back home, when I was young, me and my cousin were inseparable. Elsie, her name was. She was three years older than me, but we'd do everything together, tell each other everything. And then, maybe when I was about ten years old standard, we just sort of . . . drifted apart. Stopped doing things together, didn't tell each other our secrets no more. Wasn't nothing happened, there wasn't a fight or decision or anything like that—it was gradual-like—but by the time I signed onto Serenity, I didn't even think to tell her I was leaving. Didn't say good-bye."

Book realizes he is expected to say something now, paternalistic advice from the man of faith. "Sometimes we hurt people—"

But Kaylee shakes her head. "We was different people by then. Not the kids we used to be. She was all interested in books and jewelry and going into politics, and me—me, I was just interested in seeing the underside of an engine. People change, aren't who they was no more. It happens."

She gets up and leaves the kitchen, ready to return to the engine room, leaving Book alone with his thoughts once again.

Book cannot call what they are a family—he and Kaylee and Mal and Jayne and all the others—and that is good, for he knows he will never again be a member of a family. He doesn't deserve that. But they are a crew, and maybe that is enough.


End file.
